I’m taking two weeks out. I’m unwell and not feeling in the least bit sexy.
It’s been a busy, exciting and adrenalin-fuelled few weeks so it’s a good opportunity to rest and recuperate. It gives me a chance to reflect, consolidate what I’ve learned so far, and work out if I want to continue, and what I want to do next.
That’s when I start writing it all down.
My focus on personality and connection means I’ve invested a lot of time and energy into building the right ‘relationships’, fine-tuning the dynamic and working out the practicalities. And then there’s my focus on The Husband too.
So far, the effects on our marriage are even better than either of us could have hoped for. The prospect of me looking outside our relationship has made us face up to our problems, talk through our baggage, and consider how we can look after each other’s needs. Even if we had decided to stay monogamous, it’s forced us to have those conversations, and ultimately helped us to reconnect. And of course, there’s the sex. I’ve been complaining for years about not getting enough, and now we’re fucking twice before breakfast and barely leaving the bedroom on weekends.
It’s also given me a fun new interest, reinvigorated my social life and dragged me out of a rut, providing me with whole new opportunities for discovery.
Identifying and building the friendship with the right people is worth the extra effort. But it’s time-consuming. And it can be frustrating and demoralising, especially considering the fruits of my labour so far: one knockback, a few fumbles, and a grand total of two mildly satisfying episodes of actual penetrative sex.
I’m just relieved that I have a partner and am doing it as a hobby. I can’t begin to imagine how hideous the process would be if I were a 40-something single woman with a ticking body clock, desperate for a baby, and trying to find someone even vaguely suitable as husband and father material.
Although I’m not up for meeting anyone right now, I miss the Tamagotchi effect and realise that I’m addicted to the search, flirting and anticipation. Bored, I add my profile to a different dating site, one known for people explicitly looking for affairs and casual sex. It provides a whole new phase of distraction. Within minutes, I’m bombarded with messages and winks, so many that it takes me a few days to sift through, reply, and manage the new conversations on the message app.
The responses range from people interested in discrete daytime liaisons and specific BDSM scenarios to hooking up there and then for a quick shag, dirty messaging or camera sex. And then there’s my favourites, the single, independent ones who want a sexual relationship without the complications of an actual relationship.
The site is notorious for infidelity and I soon realise the need to clarify and expand on my preferences. I respond to one guy’s message explaining that I’m not interested in cheating husbands. He berates me with a tirade of abuse, accusing me of double standards and of posting a false profile. Clearly, the fact that I am happily married and have the freedom to play honestly and openly is beyond the comprehension of many.
The ones who pique my interest are invited to the message app. There’s also confusion when I ask for face photos. Instead, I’m bombarded with pics of dicks of all shapes, sizes and hues. I think it’s pretty straightforward that you need to get an idea of what someone looks like to know if you might fancy them. But apparently not.
Once I’ve connected with them, I cut to the chase and give them the full lowdown:
“Looking for a regular FWB arrangement with someone I get on with. Someone with their own place because mine is always busy. My turn-offs are sexist, racist, homophobic attitudes. My turn-ons are someone who makes me feel adored, dirty, & can make me laugh. I’m a strong independent woman in my everyday life so I like someone who can take control of me (not in any spanky kind of way, just confident & strong). Basically I want to go out, drink wine, have fun, have filthy pornstar sex, then go home feeling ravaged, tell my husband about it and start all over again”.
If they’ve indicated an interest in couples or kinkiness that’s caught my eye, then I also add The Husband dynamic:
“Involving my husband is also an option. He’s into the whole cuckold fetish, likes to be made to watch, allowed to help & clean up etc. I just like the 2 cocks at once possibilities. We work out a way to compromise”.
I’m developing more of an idea of what I’m looking for and how to express it. Clarifying early on works well – they’re either scared off or utterly into it.